The debke #lebfest
On forgiveness, but back to you
I’ve been thinking a lot about someone who I have kept away from my life happenings for a long time now. I have thought long and hard about how to forgive— and about forgiveness as a whole. Forgiveness is not always as easy as it seems. In my eyes there’s a process of emotional milestones that can result in forgiveness and there’s an order to things in my brain on this…
1. Personal healing
2. Relationship repair
3. Restoration of trust
The decision to consciously forgive is highly personal, a question you must answer within your own heart. I also don’t believe forgiveness fully relieves your acquaintance of responsibility for the offense or of accountability for the negative effects of the offense. If you want to repair the relationship, forgiveness does not just relieve your partner of earning back your trust through their positive behavior.
The secret of forgiveness, regardless of whether you want to use it as a method of detachment or as a way to fortify your relationship after it has been repaired, is to focus, not on the offensive behavior, but on freeing yourself of the emotional pain you experienced as a result of the behavior.
So in short, I feel that forgiveness - in its implicit and explicit forms - is not about condoning bad behavior or letting someone off the hook for it. It’s about taking control of your emotional well being.
I’m moved - utterly - to have seen and learned that people can go on with their lives and know they did something so hurtful, irreversible and irresponsible to another person they care about, and not do a single thing or make a simple gesture to address it with the person they’ve known for so long. This is where I personally draw a blank and am thankful that they’re no longer someone poisoning any part of my life.
"Accept that you cannot change the past but you can choose not to let the pain control you anymore."